'It Can Take 16 Episodes of Crossroads - If You Can!'

Those highly cheeky 1980s magazine ads for a video recorder made me smile, but I wouldn't have minded the 16 episodes of Crossroads at all. In the mid-1980s, with the VCR becoming affordable and an object of desire to the masses, this kind of 'slick' humour was bound to appeal.

But I didn't realise that the ads were also appearing large-sized on the London Underground, as revealed in this newspaper synopsis for Crossroads from the Express and Star, November 21, 1985.

A bit much really.

Pour me a sherry, darling.

What Would We Have Done About Nolly? The Noele Gordon and Meg Dilemma - Part 3

Back in 1981, we sent a suggestion to ATV about the future of the Meg Mortimer character in Crossroads. We felt that dropping her was a mistake and that the character had massive potential. We must make it plain, once more, that we don't agree with the Woke, misandrist burblings of Russell T Davies on the issue. Things were sometimes not easy behind the scenes at the motel, but it had nothing to do with a woman being oppressed by men. That's simply Feminist, Marxist model nonsense.

Whatever the difficulties, we felt they could be surmounted - the decision would have been Noele Gordon's - and Meg, the character, could have sparkled her way out of what we regarded as a miserable last few years.

Here, we've polished up and elaborated on our 1981 alternative Crossroads idea. This is Part Three of our little series of articles on the subject.

Part 2 is here.

Our version would have progressed pretty much as it did during the winter of 1981-1982, but with occasional added Meg content.

We would have condensed some of the Mavis's boarding house/motel garage scenes to accommodate some 'Meg Abroad' material. The boarding house and garage were a little too much in evidence during the motel's rebuilding we felt, and although we enjoyed both scenarios, it would have been worth condensing a few scenes for Meg.

So, on with the saga...

Jill returns from the QE2 and tells David what has transpired. David is very relieved that Meg is alright, and pleased that she wants to resume their friendship, but cautious about the notion of a new project. 'Does it involve the motel?'

'I'm not sure,' says Jill. 'I think it might, but I really don't know...'

'Well,' says David, 'I shall look forward to hearing about it when your mother returns.'

Meg visits Matthew in New York and spends some time with Anthony.

At this point we'd hopefully be able to secure a few appearances from Jeremy Sinden.

'It's amazing,' Meg says, looking at her blond haired grandson. 'He's your child and Jill's child, and also Hugh's grandson, my grandson and Charles' grandson. Life is a miracle, isn't it?'

Anthony tells Meg that Matthew has changed him. 'I always baulked at the idea of fatherhood. But I love it. Just watching him... even watching him sleep... I'd never have believed it, but there it is.

'I hope he'll be able to meet Sarah Jane one day,' says Meg. 'She is his half-sister after all.'

'I'm sure he will,' says Anthony.

'Family and friends are the two most important things in the world,' says Meg. 'Good family and good friends are such riches.'

Anthony tells Meg that he has discovered the truth about his father's finances: 'The dear old buzzard was at a pretty complex stage of the deal he was working on when the kidnapping happened. It left him pretty broke at that point, but he would have made a tremendous profit had he lived. As it is, it left a terrible mess for you.'

'I knew it must have been something like that,' says Meg. 'Hugh was far too good a businessman not to have planned everything meticulously for a successful outcome.'

At this point, our memories of Hugh are set free from the terrible cloud created by the writers when Meg was left in the financial lurch after the character died in 1978. We wanted less Meg-martyrdom, and we liked the character of Hugh. An astute and highly experienced businessman, who actually wrote a book on the subject, the scenario of Hugh actually being a financial twit never sat easily with us.

Jill breaks the news of the motel fire to Meg during a phone call in early 1982.

'But, darling, why didn't you tell me? I would never have gone away!' says Meg.

'Because you badly needed the rest and, unless you fancied taking up bricklaying, there was nothing you could have done here,' says Jill firmly.

'You treated me like a child,' says Meg.

'No, Mum, I treated you like someone who loves you and wants the best for you,' says Jill.

Meg accepts that and is touched. She is saddened by the news of Sam's death.

The continuing story of Meg is slotted into the established storylines about the motel, the Brownlows, etc. We loved a lot of the post-Meg storylines and want nothing else changed.

On returning to England, Meg visits Ruth and Andy. She and Andy talk about Granny Frazer - who is sadly no more. Re-establishing Meg's family - Matthew, Andy, etc, would have been important to us. She seemed to be operating in something of a vacuum - with Jill and the motel as her only life concerns - after Sandy's death.

Meg's return to the motel is set for the day of the grand re-opening. She arrives and gives an interview to the Castlewich Clarion about how she began the business in 1963, and how delighted she is at its continued success.

Jill is thrilled to see her mother and, after some initial reserve, it is clear David is also delighted to see her. Glenda, Kath, Doris and other staff greet her and Meg is pleased to be back.

'You know, darling, the place looks completely different, but it really is like coming home!' she tells Jill.

David and Meg discuss her living arrangements. David tells her there will soon be a new suite for a live-in director or manager. Meg says she'd just like to make use of two rooms - her sitting room and the room next door, previously Sandy's bedroom, as her bedroom. David agrees.

Meg and David go to the sitting room. 'I'm looking to the future with great enthusiasm,' says Meg. 'But it's lovely to have this room - a thread of continuity. Lots of wonderful memories!' 

She and David have a drink.

'I must say I'm intrigued by your planned project,' says David. 'Do you feel ready to discuss it?

'Yes, I do,' says Meg. 'I've been thinking everything through, and I want to continue my involvement on the board of directors and in the motel's day to day running, David. Reception stints, paperwork - even kitchen duties if absolutely necessary!' They laugh. 'I'd also like to involve Jill a little more in the running of the place. I think it would be good for her - and the motel.'

David agrees.

'I accept that you are the majority shareholder and in the driving seat, as it were,' says Meg. 'We may not always agree, but we will be able to disagree without rancour, I'm sure of that.'

'I'm very glad,' says David.

'But my idea also involves the motel site and would be an entirely new venture...'

'Do go on,' says David.

And Meg tells him her idea...

Part 4 coming soon...

What Would We Have Done About Nolly? The Noele Gordon and Meg Dilemma - Part 2

When Noele Gordon was sacked from 'Crossroads' in 1981, we wrote to ATV suggesting another solution: keeping Noele Gordon and revitalising Meg's character and situation. We were fobbed off with a very nice (we suspect pro-forma) 'thanks, but no thanks' letter. In recent years we've developed our idea, and this little series is based on our alternative 'crossroads' for the series in 1981, giving the show and the character of Meg a boost, while also resolving backstage difficulties. The first part is here.

Having reached Meg's cabin on the QE2, Jill is greeted by her mother. The fact that Meg's note to Jill was 'still in that pigeon hole' (at least as far as Meg was aware) would be established, but there would be a change to the plot here: 'I suppose that means David hasn't got his note either,' says Meg. 'Never mind. You can sort that out when you get back.'

Meg tells Jill that she is going on holiday. 'I want to take a break, see Matthew, travel a little - I have a longing to explore the sights of Italy, perhaps revisit Tunisia - and then come back to the motel, refreshed.' 

'Sounds wonderful,' says Jill.

'I've seen the doctor,' says Meg. 'He's advised me about weaning myself off the tranquillisers. This is a new beginning, darling.'

Meg explains how the turbulence of the last few years has exhausted her. 'I think I was emotionally punch drunk: Hugh dying, you and Stan splitting up, then Sandy. I was so tired. The battle with David... and yet I was seeing David not as an old friend, but as somebody who was simply behaving unreasonably.'

'You don't think he was?' asks Jill.

'After all the turmoil he's been through? Rosemary and the shooting incident last year. Chris. So difficult. Chris is David's son, after all [Meg doesn't know the truth of the situation]. He loves the boy. And then there's David's marriage being under pressure. It must be so hard for him.  But all I saw was the fact that he wanted to do things I thought were wrong with the motel.'

'Your friendship seemed to just... shrivel up,' says Jill.

Meg nods: 'Yes. As you know, darling, when your father died, I was faced with a choice. He'd hated the idea of the new road so badly. I was half tempted to sell the house and move us somewhere else. But you and Sandy were settled, had friends in King's Oak, and it suddenly occurred to me that the new motorway could serve us well. That's when I came up with the idea of the motel. I'd been languishing in depression for months after Charles died, but I suddenly knew that I had to get on with living - for you and Sandy.'

'I knew you were devastated about Dad, but I never knew you were depressed for so long,' said Jill. 'You were such a tower of strength to us.'

'I'm glad you didn't realise,' said Meg. 'You and Sandy were so young. You were both completely knocked sideways by your father's passing. The only ones who had an inkling were Kitty, and Andy when he came on leave. They were my towers of strength.'

Jill and Meg talk about Sandy: 'I felt I had to keep my grief inside - to carry on. But really, I should have given vent to it. I miss him so much, Jill.'

'Me too,' says Jill. 

'But Sandy's optimism and love of life has inspired me. I'd entered into a senseless battle with David. Perhaps it was a diversion, perhaps I was just trying to protect things past. But it made no sense. I see that now. I originally sold shares in the motel years ago. I always knew it was a business. I wanted to see it succeed - to thrive. It has. Now David is the majority shareholder and he has new ideas, He's also experienced dreadful traumas in the last few years. Why shouldn't he want to make new plans? Do something positive? Just as I did all those years ago. I may not like all his plans and I will voice any concerns I have. But I hope we can regain our friendship, it's meant a great deal to me over the years. It still does, and I'd like to go on being at the motel.'

'I'm so glad,' says Jill. 'Oh, Mum!' And she begins to cry.

'Jill, is something wrong?' asks Meg. 'I've got the strangest feeling... it's uncanny...'

Jill pulls herself together, deciding there and then not to tell her mother about the fire. Meg needs a break. Jill is convinced she would cancel her holiday and return to King's Oak immediately if she is told what has happened.

'Imagination! You're just worrying in case you've forgotten to cancel the milk or the papers! You're going on a lovely holiday, one you thoroughly deserve! So, enjoy it, Mum!'

They embrace and the announcement that the ship will soon be sailing is heard over the tannoy system.

'There's just one more thing,' says Meg. 'When you and David see the notes I left for you both, you'll see mention of a plan. I'm formulating a future project. I'm not at a stage where I can discuss the details, but it will be the beginning of my fresh start. In the meantime, you will have my proxy vote on all decisions at the motel whilst I'm away. I've made all the arrangements with the solicitors. Do as you think fit, and please don't be influenced by my previous opposition to David.'

'I won't,' Jill stands up to leave. 'When will you be back?'

'No definite date yet,' says Meg. 'Sometime early next year.'

'Good! Have a wonderful time!' 

They embrace again.

When Jill has left the cabin, Meg turns to her dressing table where a framed photograph of Sandy is standing. She smiles at it.

Jill is seen smiling and waving at Meg as the QE2 sails, with Meg smiling and waving back.

Part Three is here.

What Would We Have Done About Nolly? The Noele Gordon and Meg Dilemma - Part 1

A happy Meg Richardson at the motel in the 1960s.

We disapprove strongly of the Nolly TV series, and the ridiculous Feminist posturings of Russell T Davies and its star, Helena Bonham Carter. Both stink of misandry and an ideology that is now questioned more and more.

The Nolly story was hijacked into a Feminist 'men against women' issue, like so much nowadays. It's easy. It's lazy. It's untrue.

If the Patriarchy truly existed, then women would not have been allowed to set up the Feminist movement or gain positions in industries largely set up by men - like television. As it was, Lady Plowden was head of the IBA before the end of the 1970s, and decreeing Crossroads be reduced from four to three episodes a week.

But what would we have done after the IBA decreed that Crossroads was to be cut back to three episodes? Television journalist Hilary Kingsley opined in her 1988 book, Soap Box, that the decree seemed to panic ATV and its successor, Central, and contributed to the sacking of Noele Gordon.

We don't know what was going on behind the scenes, but it seems that the rest of the cast were not all happy with the leading lady.

We wrote to ATV after the sacking was announced. We'd come up with a way to freshen up Crossroads and keep Nolly very much to the forefront. We received a very nice 'thanks, but no thanks,' reply - a pro-forma, we think.

We found the tragedies and dramas inflicted on Meg rather too much, particularly in the last few years. We always pictured her standing in her sitting room, waiting for the latest hideous bolt from Dame Fortune to strike her.

So, assuming that the storyline had developed as screened up until the Sam Hurst storyline of late 1981, how would we have saved Meg and given the character a fresh spring in her step?

And what would we have done about Nolly?

The first thing would have been to sit down for a straight talk with Noele Gordon. Slobbering all over her memory and using Feminist ideology - misandry under another name - to disparage Jack Barton is really not on. Which is why Russell T Davies's hijacking of her story for Feminist ends is completely unacceptable.

Russell is too young to remember early Crossroads, and was only eighteen when Noele was sacked. If you peel away a few layers and look at things he has incorporated into his work in the past, it becomes obvious that he is not as sound as he thinks.

There had been difficulties with Noele behind the scenes, whether they were to do with personality clashes with production staff or anything else is immaterial. It needed laying on the line to her that, if she was the leader of the cast and the show's spokesperson, then she needed to behave in a way that fostered good relations between cast members, an understanding that actors acted and producers produced (she had this with Reg Watson) and an excellent team spirit. 

The decision to stay or go would have been hers.

We think this is an approach that would have worked well. Noele appreciated straight talking, and her advancement in the world of television had been all her own doing, as herself, not as some quivering, misandrist Feminist.

If more women weren't there it was because it was an unproven and developing medium and they didn't want to be. But as soon as it established itself, Feminists were attempting to kick the boardroom doors down in droves, screeching 'SEXISM!'.

Noele had simply gone out there and done what she wanted. And she had succeeded.

If she had accepted our terms and decided to stay, then we would have unwrapped our plans to revitalise Meg and Noele's role in the show.

Noele had recently experienced the death of her mother and, let's face it, the tragedies and tribulations of Meg were not exactly the best ingredients for a happy  life in the acting profession.

Noele was dedicated to her role and, one of the loveliest things about her, she cared about the show's fans. She knew what it felt like to be lonely, and the show's place in the affections of millions of lonely people (not that all Crossroads fans were lonely) obviously resounded with her. But playing Meg could not have been much fun in the last few years.

So, Meg would have sprung back. We'd have reverted more to the early Meg character with a major new challenge, her determination to make the best of change (as she did when her husband died and she started the motel) and maybe a little light romance later on.

So returning to 1981, loaded with Rubik's Cubes and the Royal Wedding and the inner city riots in parts of England, we would make our first change to the Crossroads plot at the point of her conversation with Sam Hurst/Norton.

The Sunday Times Review of the Year, 1981.

Sam's advice about being free of excess baggage and travelling in hope would have provoked a different response from Meg: 'Is it really that easy, Sam? And is it really necessary to physically move to drop the excess baggage?'

'Perhaps not, Mrs Mortimer. Travelling in hope, moving forward, doesn't necessarily mean moving house...'

Meg would have been seen, uncertain, unhappy, still tranqullising herself, and all would have gone as it did in the original show up to and including the fire...

Jill would have received the QE2 phone call from Meg, just as originally seen onscreen, and rushed to the docks.

But, from then on, things would have been different...

Part 2 is here

Russell T Davies: Nolly - with Helena Bonham Carter - Will We Be Watching?

Our favourite photo of Noele Gordon, giving an autograph to a young fan.

An email from 'Vera Downend':

Will you be watching the forthcoming TV drama 'Nolly', about Noele Gordon?

No. We've read the blurb, and it sounds like one of those dreadful Feminist 'Aren't Men Pigs?' type things, which makes excuses for Nolly's personality on the grounds that men are sexist towards women. It's rubbish. It's a misandrist narrative. We can't help thinking Nolly would be forthright in her views. Dramas built around ideologies are not, to our mind, enjoyable. 

Writer Russell T Davies has form - some of the worst purveyors of this type of bilge are chivalrous men. It's patronising to women and typical of the male desire to chuck its own sex under the bus and damsel women. Read this:

As well as delving into the past to find out why Noele Gordon was sacked from Crossroads without warning, this new ITV drama is also a bold exploration of how the establishment turns on women who refuse to play by the rules, the women it cannot understand and the women it fears.

Nonsense. That's rubbish - PEOPLE who don't play by the rules, are not understood and feared are usually eventually ousted, and women have always been part of the establishment. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Everything nowadays is reworked into sexism against women. Nolly was no damsel, she was a huge personality, as flawed as anybody else and brilliant, and her dismissal had nothing to do with her sex.

Every time a retro drama - 'based on facts' - is produced, we are not viewing the facts. We are viewing past events as seen through the lens of today. The 21st Century lens is as fogged and clogged with modern debris as any other.

In fact, chivalry has long encouraged a fawning 'innocent, lovely woman put down by awful men' mindset.

Women as 'done to' never 'doers'. Objects.

Noele Gordon simply got out there and did things. She lived life her way. 

If the Feminist mindset is so sheep-like its adherents imagine somebody had to leave the apparently quivering, spineless female flock to work in television before any other woman would  - and that men and women are  separate species, with men determined to 'oppress' women - they are sadly deluded.

It's a terrible view of the history of the human race, casting one sex as hideous tyrants and the other as jelly-spined nincompoops.

The whole thing reeks of Marxist style historical revisionism, victimhood culture, and narcissism.

Women as lovely, sensitive beings, men as not.

The fact that so many men go along with it, don't question - and never have - shows the truth of the situation.

We must also mention the 'glass cellar jobs' - well over 90% of workplace deaths are still male because they are still the vast majority doing those jobs. Come on, Feminists, surely representation should be more equal after all these years?

Russell has described his screenplay as a 'love letter to Noele Gordon'. Meg was not our favourite Crossroads character, although she was definitely one of them, and we adored Noele Gordon. 

But we prefer facts.

Trying to hijack Nolly's story for the purposes of the increasingly questioned Feminist ideology in all its misandrist "glory" is a terrible thing to do.

Celebrate Nolly, not nonsense.

Our Crossroads Favourites: Sandy Richardson

Sandy enjoys a cuppa in the sitting room.

Sandy Richardson, son of Meg, brother of Jill, is my wife's favourite Crossroads character of all time, and he ranks very highly with me. 

Roger Tonge played Sandy, and made him one of the gentlest, most stoic and kind-hearted characters ever. 

Sandy also had a lovely dry sense of humour.

He was very special indeed, whether annoying Carlos the chef, bantering with the waitresses or battling grave misfortune, Sandy was super.

When the show started in 1964, he was a schoolboy, then went on to try his hand at a career in journalism. 

He left for a time. 

On returning, Sandy gave farming a go, until his life suddenly changed, forever.

A car crash made him English soaps' first paraplegic.

Crossroads served the character and the realities of the physical condition most excellently.

Sandy went into a period of depression, and, after coming through that, landed a job as assistant manager at the motel.

He was concerned that nepotism might have won him the job, but Meg made sure he achieved it on his own merits.

Meanwhile, off-screen, the Crossroads Care Attendant Scheme came into existence.

I have so many fond memories of Sandy - who was as happy nattering with waitress Jane Smith as he was hobnobbing with Hugh Mortimer. Well, actually, he wasn't terribly convinced that Hugh was a suitable suitor for Meg. 

He had his doubts about our Mr M.

But never mind.

And, of course, he worried about his sister, Jill.

His relationship with Meg could be great fun - with Meg insisting that he shouldn't do too much, lest he make himself ill, and Sandy resisting.

He'd certainly inherited his mother's determination!

Romance was ill starred for Sandy.

I hoped he would marry receptionist Fay Mansfield - feeling that the character was a lovely onscreen presence and would be good for him.

But it was not to be.

There was something of a list of failed romances for Sandy, but he endured his traumas quietly.

Roger Tonge died in 1981 and we heard of Sandy's death months later, which was the Crossroads method of dealing with the deaths of major cast members at the time.

Noele Gordon, as Meg, paid tribute to the character's 'optimism and love of life'.

Sandy was wonderful, and so much more than just a peg for a fascinating storyline about paraplegia, although the character served as an inspiration for many others in the same situation.

Sandy, like many others in the longterm cast, became a dear friend who visited us three or four nights a week via our TV screens, year after year. 

We loved him.

A Tribute To Reg Watson: Daily Life At The Crossroads Motel...

The modernistic 1950s/60s style buildings of the old Crossroads Motel! In her autobiography, My Life At Crossroads, Noele Gordon wrote about a painting of the motel (and it was featured in Reception for some years). Was this it? The Malvern Hills in the background?

What a wonderful place the motel was!

This picture has long been a paradise to me - a representation of a place which came to mean a great deal to me during my childhood, and a bustling place, full of well-loved characters.

I can happily wander around it for hours.

It has inspired me to write a Lost Episode In The Life Of Crossroads scenario...

It's set in the early 1970s - the dreadful hangover of 1960s youth fashion being sported by thirty, forty and fifty-somethings, almost enough hair lacquer to induce rigor mortis, and blissful days at the motel, with Meg in charge and cosy chat and trivial differences mixing with comedy, pathos, intrigue, high drama and a little social comment in the storylines...

It's not a spoof. So many episodes have been wiped that I wanted to try and recreate one of the motel eras I fondly remember which has largely disappeared from the archives.

And the wiped episodes are mostly from the Reg Watson era - which is a tremendous tragedy. I always remember the Crossroads of those days being absolutely thrilling - the dog with its leash wrapped around Meg's grandfather clock as the clock ticked away the minutes to a suspected bomb going off; Diane frantically searching for Nicky and thinking he'd wandered into a dumped fridge on some waste ground and suffocated; Stan almost striking Jill and Jill saying: 'That's right! Show me the REAL Stan Harvey!' before they began kissing passionately; Sheila going into labour at the motel; Meg talking a suicidal man down from a ledge...

Reg Watson's era was magic. I enjoyed each and every era of Crossroads, as you know, but the original master had his very own approach which established the show as a viewers' must-watch.

File this under 'fan fiction'.

See what you think...

The story so far: Mrs De Courcy-Brown, a guest at the motel, has been wreaking havoc with constant complaints about everyone and everything. Vera Downend was horrified when the lady booked herself an appointment at the salon. Things were not much happier in the kitchen, where perfectionist chefs Mr Booth and Mr Lovejoy were not getting on. Tish Hope was intrigued by the arrival of a new lady guest, and decided to tell Meg about her. The new guest seemed strangely familiar...

OPENING THEME, THEN...

8.05am: Don Rogers delivers the first post at reception - and gets a frosty reception from Diane Parker, who has heard the latest about poor Pat Mackenzie's romance with Don. Diane has decided that Don is of the 'I love myself, who do you love?' type of person. Di's frosty front doesn't faze Don at all. Di scowls as he leaves, whistling happily. The man had once made a pass at Mrs Richardson, which proved his arrogant insolence for all time!

8.34am: In the kitchen, Mr Booth and Mr Lovejoy are not happy. Mr Lovejoy is about to prepare Beef Wellington, but Mr Booth has come up with some trendy modern tips which have brought a swift glower from his colleague: 

'Mr Booth, Beef Wellington is a classic dish, best cooked and served in the classic manner.'

'Quite, Mr Lovejoy, but one can always improve. The Montpelier Hotel restaurant in London has had considerable success with...'

'This is not London, Mr Booth. It is the English countryside. People come here to enjoy tradition. This is Shakespeare country. London fads have no place here...'

'Quite so, Mr Lovejoy, but that is not to say the people around here, or visiting here, are all country bumpkins. There are some who may appreciate some modern sophistication...'

And so on. And so on. And so on.

9.06am: In the sitting room, Meg and Tish are looking at quotes for repairs to the motel's tiled swimming pool surround. Tish talks about the new woman in Chalet Eight, who booked in the night before, and says there is something oddly familiar about her. Meg is puzzled.

'You think you've met her before?'

Tish frowns.

'Well, not met her exactly, but certainly seen her... it's very puzzling, but I had the oddest feeling...'

'What's she like?'

'Well, Italian or Spanish, I think. Very beautiful. Strikingly so. And yet she looked unhappy... haunted... and terribly tired...'

'What's her name?' asks Meg.

'Mrs Sanchez, that's what she wrote in the register,' says Tish. 'But that name rings no bells with me at all.'

'Oh well, I daresay we shall find out more. How long has she booked in for?'

'A week. Yes, I daresay I'm being silly. She'd probably just flown into the country and flying doesn't agree with everybody...'

They return to the swimming pool quotes.

10.04am: Amy Turtle is outside Chalet Eight with her cleaning things.

She knocks on the door. There is no reply and she uses her key to enter the chalet.

A beautiful raven haired woman sits up in bed, looking at Amy in alarm.

'Who are you?!' she asks, in a heavy Italian accent.

'I'm the cleaner,' says Amy, peering through the gloom as the curtains are drawn.

'I do not wish for any cleaning,' says the woman, sinking back onto her pillows.

'Aren't you feeling well?' asks Amy. 'There's a bit of flu going about.'

'No, I am fine,' the woman sighs.

Amy is curious. 'Don't I know you?' she asks.

'I have never seen you before in my life,' says the woman. 'I have never been in England before. Now, leave me, please - and lock the door again as you go!'

'Oh, all right then, keep your hair on.' Amy leaves, looking very puzzled.

11.14am: Mrs De Courcy-Brown, a very grumpy lady who has been staying at the motel for a week and causing many headaches with her constant complaints, is at Vera Downend's salon to get her henna tint reinstated. Vera has heard of the lady, and tells Bernice they must be careful not to give cause for complaint.

'I think she's something in local society, and that would do us no good at all,' says Vera. 'I actually recommended she go to Henri's in Merryfields, and I never do that, but she insisted on coming here. I'll take care of her personally.'

'I haven't got all day,' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown testily. 'I'm not paying for you two to exchange chit-chat, you know.'

'Oh well, here goes...' says Vera to Bernice. She walks over to where Mrs De Courcy-Brown is sitting in front of one of the mirrors. 'Nice morning isn't it?'

'Horrid. Absolutely horrid,' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown. 'The sun is insipid and the breeze is absolutely biting. Beastly time of year.'

Vera sighs.

'Well, how can we help you today?'

'You can restore my hair colour,' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown. 'I have an important function to attend next week. I expect an excellent result, and I haven't got all day!'

11.18am: 'Ah, the aroma of a classic Beef Wellington cooking,' says Mr Lovejoy to Mr Booth in the motel kitchen. 'There's nothing like a classic dish, prepared well.'

Mr Booth sniffs and gives a vinegary smile: 'Very nice, I'm sure.'

'I wish you two would pack it in,' says Mrs Witton, slicing carrots.

 Amy Turtle comes rushing in:

'You'll never guess who we've got staying in Chalet Eight!' she cries.

END OF PART ONE

PART TWO

11.25am: Mr Booth is moaning at Mrs Witton in the kitchen.

'I always enjoyed Miss Penn's presence in this kitchen,' he says. 'She was a kindred spirit. Such a shame she got married in some ways. I would have been quite happy to offer her a full-time permanent position here.'

Mrs Witton sniffs.

'Well, from what Amy said, that Miss Penn hung on your every word and thought the sun shone out of you,' she says. 'That's why you'd be so happy to have her here, if you ask me.'

Mr Booth looks offended.

Mrs Witton turns to more interesting topics as she finishes washing up a tureen:

'I wonder if Amy's right about that woman in chalet Eight...'

11.28am: Vera is interrupted while doing Mrs De Courcy-Brown's hair by an urgent phone call. It's Wilf Harvey, in a phone box near the canal. He's spotted a gang of youths hanging around the boat and has called the police. Vera gets anxious and dashes off to the boat. 

'I haven't got much, luv, but I don't want to lose it,' she tells Bernice before she leaves.

Bernice steps in to finish Mrs De Courcy-Brown's hair.

11:54am: In the sitting room, Meg is preparing to go and see Jill. She and Tish discuss their children.

'I do worry about Peter and Marilyn being so far away,' says Tish. 'But they do seem to be happy. I had a lovely letter yesterday.'

'Near or far, I don't think we ever stop worrying about our children,' says Meg.

She goes to see Jill. Tish begins work on a mound of paperwork, and Amy bursts in. She's been dispensing the news about the mystery woman's identity around the motel and has finally reached the sitting room. She's very disappointed to learn that Meg has just left for Jill's...

1.04pm: Vera Downend arrives back at the motel to see a woman with hair a bizarre shade of orangey red sitting at a table. She asks Diane, who is still on reception, about her.

'I thought you would know,' says Diane. 'She came from your salon. It's Mrs De Courcy-Wotsit - you know, the old battleaxe that's been running us all ragged. Her hair looks the colour of tomato soup, doesn't it? Still, there's no accounting for taste. What's this I heard about some sort of upset to do with the boat?'

Vera is gazing at Mrs De Courcy-Brown in horror.

'Oh, everything's OK, Di. Just some yobs hanging about. I don't know what kids are coming to. Sad really. Wilf Harvey phoned the police, but the kids'd cleared off by the time they arrived.'

She looks at Mrs De Courcy-Brown again.

'Oh my gawd! Mrs Thingy wanted henna. What on earth's Bernice done? I shall never hear the last of it!'

Bravely, she steps forward to talk to the dragon lady.

'Well, well, it's you!' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown, severely. She glares at Vera.

'Yes, I...' Vera is so petrified her tongue freezes.

Suddenly, Mrs De Courcy-Brown laughs.

'My dear girl, don't look so worried!' she says. 'I'm being very naughty and pulling your leg. Your young lady explained that you had to rush off an emergency errand. Clearly, my hair was a little beyond her.'

'Yes, I'm very sorry,' says Vera.

'Don't be!' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown. 'When I saw myself in the mirror I laughed and laughed. My dear, I haven't laughed since my husband died last year. I've become very tetchy, very difficult. I was taking my pain out on others. I felt I would never laugh again. But when I saw my hair... well! Dear Roderick, my husband, always had a marvellous sense of humour, you know, and I felt he was laughing with me. Don't you worry. You've done me a great favour - and my new hair colour will be the talk of Warwickshire for the next few weeks!'

'Well, at least let me give you a refund, if you've paid,' says Vera.

'I wouldn't dream of it!' says Mrs De Courcy-Brown. 'This hairdo has been worth its weight in gold. It's brought me back to life. You've no idea what it feels like to be able to laugh again - and to feel that my dear Roderick was laughing with me. For the first time, I felt he was still at my side... I've missed him so dreadfully, and I've behaved very badly. This really feels like a new beginning.'

2.46pm: At the Hope Chest, Ted Hope is chatting with Miss Tatum.

'Such a lovely chess board,' Miss Tatum is saying. 'My dear father had one just like it.'

'Well, it's definitely pre-Victorian,' says Ted. 'It interests you, Miss Tatum?'

Miss Tatum looks embarrassed:

'Oh dear, Captain Hope, I don't want to mislead you. I'm not thinking of buying it - I have so many sentimental keepsakes from the old days already, and space is at a premium in my flat. I really just wanted to look at it.'

Ted is gallant:

'Well, you look as long as you want to, Miss Tatum,' he says. 'You're more than welcome - and it's nice to see you.'

A car roars to a halt outside and a door slams. Then a swarthy, dark-haired man in a sharp suit and dark glasses enters the shop.

'Can I help you?' asks Ted.

'Can you tell me the way to the Crossroads Motel?' says the man in a heavy Italian accent. 'I have gone astray.'

Ted gives him directions then says:

'Visiting these parts, are you?'

The man looks at him through the dark glasses.

'Well, I am here, so that is so,' he says, and leaves.

Miss Tatum and Ted listen to the car revving up outside and screeching off. Tish comes in, looking perturbed.

'Nearly got run over just now by a beastly red sports car,' she says. 'Horrid looking man in sunglasses driving it. I had to leap for the pavement. I'm lucky to be in one piece.'

'The young gentleman was in here,' says Miss Tatum. 'He did seem in rather a hurry.'

'I rather think, Miss Tatum, that the young man might not be a gentleman,' says Ted.

3.00pm:

Meg walks into reception.

'You go home now, dear,' she tells Diane. 'I'll take over here.'

'Ooh, ta, Mrs Richardson - me feet are going up in flames!' says Di.

A peal of laughter echoes across reception. Meg looks in surprise at Mrs De Courcy-Brown, who is chatting to Vera at her table.

'Good heavens! Mrs De Courcy-Brown, laughing! And what an unusual hair colour!' says Meg.

'Ah, all down to the miracle of Vera's salon!' says Di. 'Mrs Wotsit's a new woman!'

'Well, I never!' Meg is amazed.

'Did you hear about Mr Booth and Mr Lovejoy this morning?' asks Diane. 'I just saw Mrs Witton.'

Meg frowns:

'Yes, I did. They're both such perfectionists and their ideas don't always coincide. I hope things go all right on Thursday.'

'Why, what's happening on Thursday?' asks Di.

'Well, our fame is spreading,' says Meg. 'Largely thanks to the efforts of Mr Lovejoy and Mr Booth, the restaurant is absolutely booming. We're getting lots of local people coming in, as well as motel guests. The Castlewich Clarion is sending somebody to review the restaurant and interview the chefs.'

'Oooh, not together, I hope!' says Di.

'I must try and make sure that doesn't happen,' says Meg. 'I'll suggest to Mr Lovejoy that, as head chef, he should have an interview to himself. That might work. They're such lovely men aside from their professional temperaments - you remember how kind Mr Lovejoy was to Josefina - and Mr Booth always means so well...'

Amy comes dashing in.

'MRS RICHARDSON! I've been stuck over at the cafeteria - they've had a leak and I've been mopping up. Has anybody told you about Chalet Eight yet?'

Meg looks blank:

'Chalet Eight? Oh, well... Mrs Hope mentioned something this morning about a new guest she was a little intrigued by. Seemed to think she'd seen her somewhere before...'

'She has!' affirmed Amy. 'And I know who she is!'

Di, in the act of leaving, pauses to listen.

'It's Sophia Canterbelly!' says Amy dramatically.

'Who?' Meg is puzzled. 'Oh, do you mean Sophia Catriabelli, the actress? But she disappeared - simply vanished... it must be at least three years ago.'

'Are you saying she's staying here, Amy?' Di asks, grinning.

'That's exactly what I'm saying!' says Amy. 'I've seen her with my own two eyes. And you remember how she disappeared, don't you? It was in all the papers.'

'Her husband went to prison, didn't he?' says Di. 'He was a big businessman and he was found to be linked to the mob or something. It was all over the papers for ages, the trial. Then he got sent to prison - and a few others went with him - and she simply disappeared. Never heard of since.'

'That's right,' Meg nods gravely. 'Some thought she couldn't stand the publicity...'

'And others thought she'd been bumped off by enemies of her husband who'd been implicated in the trial,' says Di. 'Crikey, yeah, he made a lot of enemies during that trial, didn't he? I suppose she might have been bumped off.'

'She hasn't been bumped off - and that's a fact,' says Amy. 'She's here, now, in Chalet Eight - and when I saw her this morning she looked scared to death. Scared out of her wits!'

Roll End credits.

Final scene at end of episode: The closed door of Chalet Eight...